I have listened to many male and female friends and associates relate to have lived out their sexual lives so frustrated from trying to find the best fit for them, while settling for what they could get along the way only to be disappointed by their choices. So how important is it to have standards that are set high so as to weed out the attributes of the lovers who by definition are "fuckable" over the ones that could be an adventure if you stayed the course without the fast and the easy?
I knew almost 32 years ago that falling in love with a 22 year old virgin would be challenging, but that with sex off the table for that one and a half years it gave me so much time to devise (with some speculation) how sex would be built after the trust was earned. Mind you there were many pitfalls I couldn't see coming and each one even to this day challenges my mind to be inventive and creative to it's solution. But I can honestly say that I never wavered my standards and can forever avoid some of the "turn offs" that seem so common today in the dating pool.
My Standards

1. Beauty only goes so far and last so long, so my women had to be intelligent
2. Older than me and voluptuous
3. No visible, masculine or meaningless tattoos
4. No outrageous or subversive piercings
5. No phonies or fakes (tits, wigs, weaves, dye jobs, eyelashes, personalities, etc)
6. A woman should look good naturally and not require pancake make up jobs, make up should only accentuate the positive

As Woodrow Wilson said, "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall (or settle) for anything"

 

Mine was what I settled for. when I was younger I wanted love and fidelity meant everything. Then I realised I wasn't programmed that way. I know I will get beaten up on here for saying it but that's how it is.

I'm also Bi Sexual although it took a long time to fully appreciate it or rather to feel fully comfortable with being so.

If I could do it again with the benefit of what I now know I would have explored a multi layered relationship with both girls and guys. a loving intimate relationship but not the traditonal one on one. It wont happen now but its just I realised the desire for that was always there I was just too scared to persue and honestly didn't even realise it might actually have been a possibility.

Now of course I don't have sex at all even one on one and that is deifintely not someting I would have chosen or want

 

My standards have evolved and been refined over the years!

Thinskin

 

If you're willing to settle, you get what you deserve. As far as sex goes anyway. In looking for a life partner there are bound to be trade-offs. The women I know that have a laundry list of must haves for a possible mate will never have much luck.

 

Most people have their list of wants. The standards they want to have their sexual lives and non-sexual lives to achieve. Problem with most of those standards is that they are set to high. They are and will always be out of reach.

It is the difference between fantasy and reality. Realities of life are most often very different due to individual circumstances and situations that arise through time.

Thus people settle for the best that comes their way.

 

I was in a "settled for" relationship for about 5 years. After those 5 years I started to feel very uncomfortable in the relationship. And sex was a big part of it even then. I was at a point, where I was almost convinced that everyone is having more or less the same kind of lame sex life and lame relationships. At least it seemed that way looking around. I realy felt like I'm some kind of pervert - am I realy the only motherfucker with such urges and thoughts?

Relationships take time and effort. It's always very hard to just walk away from anything one has put effort into. And walking away from the relationship of 5 years was hard. It wasn't ugly - we just decided to split. Maybe she felt the same (felt like she settled for a pervert), maybe she understood the way I feel, who knows...

After splitting up, I felt no longer restrained. I wasn't a 18 year old kid anymore, I had some experience with sex, with relationships, I had my own income, many freedomes and few responcibilities... Good times. So I let loose a little and quickly learned that not only I have settled before... I've settled for a sex life far removed not only from I wanted, but from what was actually available, so to speak.

After meeting few girls close to my kind of kinky, I decided fuck it! I'm not settling for less anymore. I had some great relationships and great sex because of that decision. And I am now in a relationship with a girl who's just as kinky and perverse as I am... So at the moment, my sex life is as I want it.

 

Am settling for now. Hope to make a change real soon

 

More like things that happened/were done to me early on. Because of that, I chose the polar opposite of the one who I was with. I tend to prefer taller bigger men, one that can completely dominate or protect me if need be. That does pose a problem when I am in Dominatrix mode, he has to be willing to play along at first. As for women I have no preference in body type.

I tend to shy away from excessive tats and piercings although I have learned from past experiences that those are not necessarily bad things, but still it takes me a while to warm up to them.

I tend to keep away from heavy drug users, coke, meth, acid and the like. I have an addictive personality trait and as hard as it was for me to get off alcohol and prescription drugs I could not imagine getting addicted to strong stuff. I've had them all but no connections to get them and don't want them or friends that can get them. I can be around drink and weed without temptation but just to be safe...

People with chiseled bodies also turn me off because of bad past experiences. It's judgemental again but I can't change the past.

Clingy, needy people are another instant red flag. I don't do relationship thing so avoiding them is high on the list.

Most of my hold ups meeting new people is not wanting to waste time trying to figure out if they are comparable with me or not without just flat out telling them i am a broken freak. I like a little challenge getting them to open their minds but hate the wasting the time then scaring them off.

 

My sex life was guided by 'What They wanted', which worked out ok. And then I thouoght that was pretty cool and arranged things to get what I wanted.

 

Guys are quick to judge the changes in their wife. Well maybe she don't like that extra weight her husband has put on or maybe his hair is now thinning and he used to have nice hair. But often times the wife excepts those changes and loves him just the same as before. But he can't except her changes and now thinks he deserves better.

Even sexual changes true maybe they don't have sex as often or he's not turned on by her. So that's why he wants change. But maybe she is frustrated sexually with her spouse as well. But she excepts the fact that now he can't last as long. Or have sex multiple times in a day. But she understands that it's part of aging.

Well i just hate how society has changed men and they are so focused on looks. Or someone better. Or his wife needs to make changes. Well all is fair in love and war. So if the man thinks he's so deserving of a queen......then he better be fit for a king!!

 

As we get older, what we want can and does change, what we need doesn't. If you begin a relationship thinking only about yourself, you are belittling your partner's desires. A relationship is a mutual compromise. Everyone has a list of qualities they would want in a potential partner. And trust me, as much as you think you're a prince or a princess, for the lack of a better term, your shit does stink.

 

When I was younger I settled. I put up with undesirable behavior and poor attitudes until it wasn't worth it anymore. My reasoning was that I had better things to do than let myself be dragged into a confrontation with this woman. Such as study for higher grades or work better at my job.

As I matured, I became better at early detection and avoidance of undesirable behavior and poor attitudes. My horizons broadened and I had greater access to a larger number of women. I think I have become better at attracting the type of woman want. Now I don't settle nearly as much as I used to. I get much more of what I want than I used to. It is much better to avoid confrontational women to begin with than to avoid confrontations with them once they are in your life. (The same thing goes for women regarding confrontational men.)

 

I'm not a settler, possibly to a detrimental extent. But I've always had lots of choice. What of those that have fewer choices..? Not everything is in everybody's power to change. People have to find and accept themselves first and only then can they set any 'standards' whatever. And having realistic 'standards' is not the same as merely settling or compromising said 'standards'.

Re 5 and 3: Without some of those enhancements, the true beauty of a person may never shine and that along with the 'visible tats' makes you sound pretentious and superficial.

No doubt I've read you wrong again so I'll just apologize now.

Love Hussie

 

Those lists are O.K. as long as you can differentiate and define your Wills, Wants and Needs

1. Wills: What you bring to the relationship in the way of your willingness to participate and keeping an open mind
2. Wants: This can be that literal laundry list given you find the right partner and communicate early on your expectations
3. Needs: This should be a short list and again communicated A.S.A.P. of the absolute "must haves!" These I would define as your standards

Knowing your limits, being open minded to the experimenting phases and being adaptable are paramount to a long lasting relationship.

 

One of the hardest decisions I believe is knowing when to walk away, as once you have so much vested interest in that person. It's an ego deflate to think you failed or you get to the point where you know you've done all you could to fix it without enough support from your love interest. Lord knows I could've walked away or not cheated and who knows I could still be in a sexless marriage if I hadn't given complete consideration to our love weathering all by adapting. Although some of those issues still exist they are minor in overall comparison to my day to life with the one I love. I'm glad you found yours Generation Y.

 

Many of the reasons you gave are why I never pursued the quick or the easy and rather spent as much time getting to know them before the sex. I can get what I want easy enough but getting what I want takes time.

 

All there ever was, was want. I wanted and wanted. I had pretty girls, and not so pretty girls, and a couple of guys... I was never satisfied. A woman pursued me who was not my type, and I was aloof and cold. She was a friend who wanted more but I tried hard not to get caught. Finally she caught me and I realized that while I might settle in the sex department (which I did) the the journey through life was the worthier concern and a companion of real value to share it with was a bargain for the sacrifice of my deeper drives.

Mentally I keep those old lusts up on a shelf, and I look at them when I am alone on occasion. Regret bears no fruit worth eating and staying full of joy is a constant endeavor so saying I settled is too much, I chose, and it involved sacrifice. That which I sacrificed though has been an honest price for a life with few complications and with many happy days for many years.

 

Pretentious?..........Almost certainly but the jury is still out over superficial!

thinskin

 

I don't have a problem ( in general) with tattoos or piercings although a lot has to do with there where and how and what when it comes to those things.

Boob implants, well I like em small so have no desire to see artificially inflated breasts on my woman and as to wigs, hair dye, weaves etc I'm all for it. I love the Hippie look and if it cant be achieved without some extra help I'd say go for it.

But along with blemishes and stretch marks and scars and wrinkles and lumps of fat and less than perfect symetery, if that is the person then that is the person I want to accept, it a road map of who they are and if you cant accept being in the same place they have traveled to perhaps you don't deserve to share that corner of the world with them

 

"Was your sex life more guided by "What you wanted or What you settled for?"
Neither.
What I thought I wanted and what I was willing to settle for were pretty much the same thing.
I liked straight up vanilla sex and for me, kinky was sex in the shower.
I loved my sex life and thought I was living the dream.
Then Kevin came into my life and things changed.
He pushes my limits.
He won't make me do anything I don't really want to do but I have to give him a reason why.
If I say I'm just not comfortable doing that he'll ask me why I'm not comfortable.
More times than not, I don't have a good reason.
If I absolutely refuse, he doesn't make me do anything I don't want but he will continue to challenge me to see how far I can go.
So far, I can go pretty damned far!